After finding his locker situated right next to Tom Brady’s, Josh Gordon was soon cornered by the franchise quarterback, who lividly explained the hidden dangers of tomatoes and other nightshades.

“Look man, I know you’ve had issues with substances in the past, but if there’s one thing you can stay away from while you’re here, it needs to be solanine. I’m talking peppers, tomatoes, if it’s zesty it’s gone. I know you love goji berries, but it’s a slippery slope, and you need to stay inflammation-free.”

So far, Josh Gordon has listened to his new quarterback and has vowed that “all this tomato sauce love is in the past now,” and that he feels like a changed person after freeing himself from the “chains of eggplants and other mild irritants.”

It seems clear that the Cleveland Browns lost faith in their ability to keep Gordon away from things like pasta, stuffed peppers, and mashed potatoes, as Browns Coach Hue Jackson insists on having “hearty” team lunches and dinners.

Time will tell if the new scenery and advice will work well for Josh Gordon. The Patriots seem confident they can keep their new wide receiver away from fad dietary ingredients like avocados and coconut oil, which have kept Gordon from reaching his true potential in the past. Staying away from bad fats, nightshades, and inefficient carbs will be a key factor in getting into the game, and receiving major attention from Tom Brady.